It has been more than 31 years of discovering and mastering my meditation. Let’s rewind back to when I was about twelve.

I remember this train of thoughts:

 “I’m here and now going to school, then high school, an uni, job, marriage, children, getting older and older and finally dying!” 

The moment I said dying! I experienced myself without me. I felt free, emerged with the space around me, no time, no me, just pure consciousness. It didn’t last long, maybe a few minutes so I went through this process of thinking again and again. I didn’t know what I had experienced at that time.

Few years later, I was doing homework, writing something. I remember being calm and focused at that moment. Suddenly I realised that the pen felt as thin as the hair in my hand. It was a brief experience but it happened a couple of times. 

I would like to mention an episode when one day I felt completely lost. I couldn’t see what I should do with my life, I didn’t feel passion for anything, completely lost.  I was pushed into a corner, isolated, disconnected. Since all attempts failed to find inspiration from the outside world my only hope was to go inwards – meditation. 

At the age of 17, I started to practice martial arts. Soon after, I read a book about ninja but what was most interesting, there was a short chapter about meditation. Very simple instructions: sit down, focus on one point on the floor in front of you, and don’t let your mind wander off. That’s it! It had become my daily routine which I loved to do straight after school. 

The next event has changed everything.

During my studies, my psychology teacher asked us to write down in one column feelings, emotions I was accepting and the ones I wasn’t, in the other column., After a while, I realised that whether I was accepting them or not it didn’t matter because I would feel those feelings anyway. I visualised feelings as clouds passing through and never stopping. Suddenly I felt empty and spacious inside. Then, a motion of awareness raised to the top of my head culminating in a blissful opening, letting it all out. For a moment I thought that I got completely crazy, it was a feeling of rapture.

After a few minutes when I was a bit more settled I described it all to my psychology teacher. He looked at me, said congratulations and mentioned that I should meet a Tibetan master on an upcoming retreat to confirm my insight.

The next morning I went for a walk in the mountains. I took the same path as before but something was different. The perception  and sensation of my eyeballs were filled with space. My eyes felt as if they were suspended in an infinite space, truly opened. Consequently, when I looked at the far distanced mountains it felt to me that there wasn’t any gap between me and them. All of it was inside my mind or I was outside of my bubble-like mind. The mind and the environment were united in the same field of reality. The outcome is bliss, peace, wholeness, happiness, love, just to name a few.

If you think that this is all you can experience in terms of self awareness, then you’re still asleep.

The next night I had a dream of walking in a corridor and, in front of me,  I could see a  beam of energy like a cord of light.  I could hear a buzz of pure energy running between the walls about my high. So, as I walked through, the top of my head touched the beam and I felt a powerful electric shock on top of my head that ran through my body. I literally fell off the bed. 

My first meditation retreat took place in Poland with lama Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche in 1997. Everything I was experiencing became very clear to me but I also realised that it was only the beginning. 

I remember my conversation with the lama when I wanted to confirm my experience. It was a very short one. It took a minute to recognise when Rinpoche eventually said “There is nothing to talk about Dzogchen”  Words can not describe the dimension of oneness. That was it. 

After that, once a year I participated in summer retreats regularly while in the meantime organising my own individual retreats and integrating the experience of the unified field with everyday activities. 

Now, going back to my experience of the pen as thin as hair. As an experienced practitioner,  now it’s the experience of the whole body empty inside but my skin transparent, paper-thin and light like a feather. But even then, this disappears and what is left is pure self-aware consciousness. 

Over the next years, the familiarity of experience became stronger and natural. Every practice, different types of meditation felt like pouring water into water. 

Then when I was 29 years old, I had an idea to travel to Tibet to study Yungdrung Bön – the native pre-Buddhist religious tradition of Tibet. So I went to the UK to study English for a couple of years to prepare myself and get ready. In the meantime, my meditation experience deepened and gradually there were fewer and fewer reasons to go anywhere. In the process I’ve discovered a passion for mathematics among many other things but also, I’ve met my partner I want to spend my life with. 

When I look back to my first experience of the unified field, it’s interesting to see how the child’s mind is open and fresh to connect with reality, living in the moment as if everything is possible and infinite.

 Meditation brings it back.